UPDATE – Feeling Good

I know I said I wouldn’t do it, but I did. I stepped on the scale this morning. I needed to see if I did gain more weight. I was pleasantly surprised that I stayed the same. It was also a relief. I was worried that I gained over the holidays. Now that I know I have been the same weight since October, I feel good.

My body has found the weight it wants to be at. That’s a good thing. Now I can focus on getting some type of movement into my days and switch up a bit of my foods. Most of my craving are gone. I did crave a cheeseburger from McD’s but I got on from Wendy’s instead. It was yummy and it took care of that craving. Sure I could eat burgers daily but I dont need to.

Yesterday I had an avocado for the first time in a bout 2 months. Oh it was tasty! I think slowly I will add back some foods that I haven’t had since I was doing keto. All those foods were no interest to me. Now I can see that I will eat some of them again. I have hardly wanted any meats or veggies Now I am starting to want them again.

Fitness

I have been trying to decide what I can do for exercise. Something that I can enjoy doing. I am thinking weight lifting, Tai-chi, maybe yoga. Simple, easy on my body. I don’t need to be all sweaty and worn out.  I bought some resistance bands and am using those. 10 mins a day to start. I need to go slow since it’s been a while. I will add 10 mins more next week.

Changing up my foods too. Going to try to have more veggies. Not easy to do since they aggravate my IBS. So I really need to be careful and not over do it or eat the wrong veggies. Maybe a veggie soup? Need to find some easy soup recipes. Salad sounds yummy but only a few times a week or its to much veggie.

Happy New Year 2022!

Wow, another year gone. 2021 went by so fast. I don’t think I actually remember anything special about it. Other than covid. I had an awakening about diets. I got a new tattoo.  And there was snow for Christmas.

I think I made some big changes. The biggest being that I quit dieting. I cleaned up all my social apps. Got rid of all the crazy diet info people. No more before/after pics, no fitness freaks, no keto recipes. I have also stopped weighing myself. Last time was my birthday and I have no plans to do it again unless I need to for doctors and such.

I know I ate a lot of sweets over the holidays, but it was all so yummy. Its the first time in 10 years that I have let myself eat without guilt at Christmas time. It felt great. Yes, my clothes are a bit tight and my belly is bloated, but I dont care. I am happy.

I didn’t make any resolutions. I dont want to feel guilt or let down by not doing what I say. Instead I am going to say that I am planning to start eating healthier meals and I want to do some weight lifting. No, not cardio or anything that makes me sweat and my body hurt. I want to do something that I will enjoy. When I was younger I liked weight lifting. I am going to try it and see if I still enjoy it. If I do, then that will be my exercise plan. I only want to do what I like doing. No more “I need to exercise” now it will be “I want to weight lift or go for a walk”. That is the attitude I am hoping to develop. I have no idea how long it will take. My goal is to get stronger, not fit. Fit is not the reason for what I am doing. I need to get my body stronger so I can do more and be more active.

This is not about weight loss or becoming a fitness freak. This is for me.

6 months

I want to share this with others that are struggling like I have.
I went on my first diet when I was 13. All through my life I have been on the diet roller coaster. Always watching what I eat. Counting calories, fats, carbs. Making sure I drank lots of water. Giving up foods I loved. I did so many fad diets and I did lose weight but I also gained it back time and time again. The last 12 years I have been doing low carb, then I switched to keto about 3 years ago. I have kept my weight off but it has been a struggle to maintain it. Giving up a lot of happiness.
Six months ago I quit keto. I had enough. I was miserable. I thought that maybe I could start calorie counting again. I did some searching online and found a blog that was about intuitive eating. I was curious. I found myself going down the rabbit hole. A week later I crawled out of that hole and was ready to let go of dieting. I was afraid but excited. My first want…Cheerios. Which I binged on for about 2 months every day a bowl or two. And from there I went on to binge on all the foods I hadn’t let myself eat in years. I found out that some of the foods that I wanted and had missed for so many years, didn’t really taste as good as I remembered.
I was so scared that I would gain a ton of weight but I had told myself that it’s ok if I do, that my body will settle down at the weight it needs to be at.
It took some time. Five months to get to a set point with my weight. I had gained 12 lbs in total. I went up a size in my clothing, not a big deal. I am still eating my cheerios whenever I want them.
Anyways, here comes Christmas. This is why I wanted to share. I have always been unhappy when Christmas happens. All the foods that I couldn’t eat. All the diet talk. All the bullshit that goes with it. Well, this year I have been so happy. I love baking and cooking again. I’ve made so many Christmas treats it’s ridiculous! The best part, I don’t feel like I need to eat it all up just because it’s here. I have finally found peace with food. It doesn’t control me anymore. I will never go on a diet again.
It took me 41 years to learn that diets don’t work and that I have an eating disorder and body issues.
I am still learning everyday what my body needs. But everyday I am also learning to love my body and who I am. The road to recovery is worth it.
I have left out a lot of details to keep this short. Otherwise this would be a mile long post.
If you are struggling with your diet, I am happy to talk about what I have been doing. Or you can google intuitive eating. You might end up down the same rabbit hole..LOL
But for now, I will fill my glass with wine, I will enjoy those Christmas cookies and wish the best to all of you in the New Year and for those that are starting a new diet, good luck, I am so glad I dont have to do that anymore!

Christmas Baking

This will be the first time in about 12 years that I am baking like I did long ago. Way before all the fake ingredients started showing up on store shelves. I’m using real sugar, butter, corn syrup, white flour, brown sugar, marshmallows, etc.

I’ve have 2 days of baking and really enjoyed doing it. To go back to all those old recipes and recall the memories of baking with mom and with my kids. Its been good for the soul. I know I can eat all of it and enjoy it without the guilt.

I used to binge on all the Christmas goodies or I just wouldn’t have them in the house. So far, I have had a chocolate every couple days, a cookie a few times a week. I’m really not feeling that desperate need to eat what I see. I feel that I have some control. I know there will be foods that I haven’t had in a long time that I might want more of, but I feel that I can have less and not need to binge.

This season will be so relaxed. No dieting! No family dinner where health talk is a big topic. We have decided not to go the big family dinner. Only half the family is vaccinated. I have MCTD, so I am taking no risks of getting covid. We have the kids and Mom coming for Christmas Eve dinner.  Making home made pizza…yum! the rest of the holidays will just be hubby and me and the dog.

Jeans

I finally bought new jeans. I did make a mistake and shop with mom. I know I should shop alone when buying clothes. But its ok. This time I did buy what I liked. I usually buy second hand jeans at thrift shops or I will buy really cheap jeans from Old Navy or Costco.

I decided that it was time to buy better quality. I went to Mark’s and tried on a few different brands and landed on Silver jeans. So comfy. Plus they had a 34 inseam. I hate short jeans. I had a hard time saying yes to the jeans but then I saw 40% off and I did it. Still, 75.00 is way more than I normally pay. I try to stay under 30.00 whenever  I can. After that we stopped at Wearhouse One. I found jeans here too. These are a relaxed straight leg and a 35 inseam! I was thrilled. 30% off and I only spent 43.00.

I wore both jeans at home to see if I liked them. The Wearhouse jeans are really nice. I even went for a walk and loved that I didn’t have to pull them up in the back when I had to tie my shoe. They stayed put. I will be keeping them. The Silver jeans were a problem. I was feeling guilty over spending the money.  I wore them around the house and after the inner turmoil I finally pulled off the tags and said I am keeping them. Done.

I wont need new jeans for a long time. Now I just need some nice looking tops. Not just T-shirts. Think I will go to the Mall next week.

Hiccup

I had a slight hiccup on Saturday. I was feeling anxious about my weight. I was worried that I gained again. I felt so bloated and had eaten a bit too much. I fretted for 3 hours and then decided to weigh myself. What a relief! I hadn’t gained any weight and was 1 pound less. I’m glad that my weight is stable.  With Christmas coming I am a little worried about all the yummy foods.

It will be the first time in about 10 years that I will be allowing myself to eat real treats. I plan to bake cookies using real ingredients. No replacements or subbing out my sugars. Just using what the recipes call for. Regular flour, not almond. Real sugar, not splenda or stevia.

Maybe I will share some of my recipes.

 

1 month

It’s been a month since I weighed myself. It’s been difficult. I put the scale in the bedroom closet. That way I don’t see it and don’t step on it. I know I should throw it out, but it was expensive and I know I will want to weigh myself from time to time.

I have got my cheerios eating under control. I have a bowl maybe 3 times a week. Yay for me! And I can have chips in the house and not feel the need to eat the whole bag as a meal.

I have started to make meals and snacks for a week at a time. I’m using up my low carb baking supplies. I don’t plan to ever need them again. I love carbs. I try to have a salad with my dinner. I get those salad mix packs. They are yummy. I keep chocolates and hard candy on the coffee table. I know I can have them when ever I want. My portion sizes are a hit and miss. Still working on that fullness cue.

I think this month I have come a long way. I have even made a huge decision about something that I have been waiting to do for 20 years. I feel I am at the right time in my life to fix a big mistake and erase a part of my past. It will be worth it ☺️.

So Tired

Not sure what it is, but today I am exhausted. Absolutely no energy. I feel drained in every way.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of body pain for the last month. It’s constant pain. When I dont get any relief, it really starts to wear me down. It finally caught up to me today. I am spent.

I’m also not very happy with the fact that I gained 4 more lbs. I dont get it. I thought my weight had settled at 170 but this week I jumped to 174. I’m rethinking my eating plan. As much as I have enjoyed not being on a diet for the last 4 months, I know its time to get real again. *sigh*.  I had hoped that I wouldn’t have to go back on a diet. Looks like I have no choice.

I’m thinking that I will cut some carbs and watch the calories. If I leave out most of the grains I will feel better. I also need to stop eating so much processed foods. It’s just so easy to grab ready made food instead of spending time making and cooking it. I Just dont want to cook anymore. But if I dont, then who will?

I bought a bunch of food to do some meal prep for a week. Its all just sitting there waiting to get used. With so much pain I dont want to stand in the kitchen all day and cook. Damn it!!! I’m so frustrated!

I cant even clean up the condo. The longer I leave the mess the worse it gets and its starting to stink. I want to cry when I think of how much my body will hurt if I clean. I know. I have no choice. I am the only one that can do it. I am seriously thinking of getting a maid to come in once a week.

I’m just having a bad day.

Finally , Set point

It’s finally happened. My weight has a set point. I am sitting at 170 lbs. To be honest, I dont like that number. Yes, I know I shouldn’t pay attention to the number. I just cant help it.  am staying off the scale as much as I can. I weigh in every 3 weeks. That’s way better than before when I was doing it daily.

So, lately I have been feeling my anxiety about food. I know that what I am eating isn’t very healthy. Too many fries and chicken strips, cookies and ice cream, plus flavoured popcorn and chips. I’m not binging, but I am having a difficult time saying no to it. The worst is all the wheat. I know I can’t eat wheat all the time but it is in everything! If I could just leave out the wheat I know I would feel better.

I am going to try to plan my meals this week. Well, at least dinners. Breakfast and lunch are more of grab whatever to eat.  I found some simple sheet pan recipes. I have a list of foods I need to buy. Will do that on Tuesday. I need to start eating healthier, not just quick frozen foods. I know hubby enjoys it, but I am in need of real food, veggies and fruits. I am actually missing my low carb meals.

I’ve been trying to get rid of some clutter in the home. I feel that if I get rid of stuff I would feel better. Being clean and organized is something that makes me happy.