Jeans

I finally bought new jeans. I did make a mistake and shop with mom. I know I should shop alone when buying clothes. But its ok. This time I did buy what I liked. I usually buy second hand jeans at thrift shops or I will buy really cheap jeans from Old Navy or Costco.

I decided that it was time to buy better quality. I went to Mark’s and tried on a few different brands and landed on Silver jeans. So comfy. Plus they had a 34 inseam. I hate short jeans. I had a hard time saying yes to the jeans but then I saw 40% off and I did it. Still, 75.00 is way more than I normally pay. I try to stay under 30.00 whenever  I can. After that we stopped at Wearhouse One. I found jeans here too. These are a relaxed straight leg and a 35 inseam! I was thrilled. 30% off and I only spent 43.00.

I wore both jeans at home to see if I liked them. The Wearhouse jeans are really nice. I even went for a walk and loved that I didn’t have to pull them up in the back when I had to tie my shoe. They stayed put. I will be keeping them. The Silver jeans were a problem. I was feeling guilty over spending the money.  I wore them around the house and after the inner turmoil I finally pulled off the tags and said I am keeping them. Done.

I wont need new jeans for a long time. Now I just need some nice looking tops. Not just T-shirts. Think I will go to the Mall next week.

Hiccup

I had a slight hiccup on Saturday. I was feeling anxious about my weight. I was worried that I gained again. I felt so bloated and had eaten a bit too much. I fretted for 3 hours and then decided to weigh myself. What a relief! I hadn’t gained any weight and was 1 pound less. I’m glad that my weight is stable.  With Christmas coming I am a little worried about all the yummy foods.

It will be the first time in about 10 years that I will be allowing myself to eat real treats. I plan to bake cookies using real ingredients. No replacements or subbing out my sugars. Just using what the recipes call for. Regular flour, not almond. Real sugar, not splenda or stevia.

Maybe I will share some of my recipes.

 

1 month

It’s been a month since I weighed myself. It’s been difficult. I put the scale in the bedroom closet. That way I don’t see it and don’t step on it. I know I should throw it out, but it was expensive and I know I will want to weigh myself from time to time.

I have got my cheerios eating under control. I have a bowl maybe 3 times a week. Yay for me! And I can have chips in the house and not feel the need to eat the whole bag as a meal.

I have started to make meals and snacks for a week at a time. I’m using up my low carb baking supplies. I don’t plan to ever need them again. I love carbs. I try to have a salad with my dinner. I get those salad mix packs. They are yummy. I keep chocolates and hard candy on the coffee table. I know I can have them when ever I want. My portion sizes are a hit and miss. Still working on that fullness cue.

I think this month I have come a long way. I have even made a huge decision about something that I have been waiting to do for 20 years. I feel I am at the right time in my life to fix a big mistake and erase a part of my past. It will be worth it ☺️.

So Tired

Not sure what it is, but today I am exhausted. Absolutely no energy. I feel drained in every way.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of body pain for the last month. It’s constant pain. When I dont get any relief, it really starts to wear me down. It finally caught up to me today. I am spent.

I’m also not very happy with the fact that I gained 4 more lbs. I dont get it. I thought my weight had settled at 170 but this week I jumped to 174. I’m rethinking my eating plan. As much as I have enjoyed not being on a diet for the last 4 months, I know its time to get real again. *sigh*.  I had hoped that I wouldn’t have to go back on a diet. Looks like I have no choice.

I’m thinking that I will cut some carbs and watch the calories. If I leave out most of the grains I will feel better. I also need to stop eating so much processed foods. It’s just so easy to grab ready made food instead of spending time making and cooking it. I Just dont want to cook anymore. But if I dont, then who will?

I bought a bunch of food to do some meal prep for a week. Its all just sitting there waiting to get used. With so much pain I dont want to stand in the kitchen all day and cook. Damn it!!! I’m so frustrated!

I cant even clean up the condo. The longer I leave the mess the worse it gets and its starting to stink. I want to cry when I think of how much my body will hurt if I clean. I know. I have no choice. I am the only one that can do it. I am seriously thinking of getting a maid to come in once a week.

I’m just having a bad day.

Finally , Set point

It’s finally happened. My weight has a set point. I am sitting at 170 lbs. To be honest, I dont like that number. Yes, I know I shouldn’t pay attention to the number. I just cant help it.  am staying off the scale as much as I can. I weigh in every 3 weeks. That’s way better than before when I was doing it daily.

So, lately I have been feeling my anxiety about food. I know that what I am eating isn’t very healthy. Too many fries and chicken strips, cookies and ice cream, plus flavoured popcorn and chips. I’m not binging, but I am having a difficult time saying no to it. The worst is all the wheat. I know I can’t eat wheat all the time but it is in everything! If I could just leave out the wheat I know I would feel better.

I am going to try to plan my meals this week. Well, at least dinners. Breakfast and lunch are more of grab whatever to eat.  I found some simple sheet pan recipes. I have a list of foods I need to buy. Will do that on Tuesday. I need to start eating healthier, not just quick frozen foods. I know hubby enjoys it, but I am in need of real food, veggies and fruits. I am actually missing my low carb meals.

I’ve been trying to get rid of some clutter in the home. I feel that if I get rid of stuff I would feel better. Being clean and organized is something that makes me happy.

September

Hard to believe it’s already September. This year went by so fast.

I spent this summer eating foods that I haven’t had in years. Some foods I binged and others, well I realized they really didn’t taste as good as I had remembered. Over all, I was happy this summer. Not thinking about food, counting carbs, wondering what to make for every meal, looking up endless recipes. I did none of that. I was free to do whatever I wanted.

Now reality is setting in. *sigh* I weighed in this morning. 170lbs…. I’m not happy with that number. But when I look in the mirror I don’t see the extra weight. I actually see a beautiful body. Yes, sure my clothes are tight. So what! I can go buy big clothes  new clothes.

I know that I need to now start looking at what I am eating. Cut back of a few things. But I also won’t be denying myself the foods that I want.  I did try to exercise, but I really dont want to do it. So I have been going for a walk in the morning. Just a 20 minutes walk a few times a week. I’ll keep doing that but if I don’t feel like it, then I don’t go. I am getting my mom’s treadmill. That way I can walk at home during the winter months.

One plus that I noticed….my sex drive is up. I actually have time to think about sex instead of constantly thinking about food, recipes, cooking and counting carbs. My sex drive was completely gone because I was obsessed about my diet.

very day I am learning new things about myself.

I finally told myself that I am beautiful. It’s a big monsterous step for me.

 

Freak Out

Over the weekend I was feeling  bloated. More so that normal I thought that it would go away. This morning I was feeling better. I wasn’t really thinking and stepped on the scale. I almost had a heart attack. My weight shot up 8 lbs since last week. Freak out! No wonder I was having a problem with my clothes. Everything just seemed to be really tight the last few days. Even my new bra and panties.

I was planning on making changes to my eating at the end of the month but I think I better start today. Honestly, it scared me to see such a high number. It’s been a very long time since I was this heavy. I really don’t like it. I do like that I am able to eat what I want, but I know I need to seriously start cutting back on the binges.

I’m going to plan out my meals for the week and tomorrow will do some prep work. Cook some meats and have a salad ready. I have to cut out the corn, rice, ice cream and cookies. I know those items are not good for me. I get so bloated and gassy. I know we need carbs, but I think I am having way too many. I only want carby foods. I am not craving any vegetables or meats or dairy. I want fries, onion rings, chicken strips, wings, etc. All the fast foods that I can make at home. Somehow I need to change this.

I was thinking that maybe if I was to find healthy premade meals that I can grab and heat. That might help? Not those crappy TV dinners, but the better options. I guess I could make them I just don’t want to cook. I wish I could afford to have someone help me with all of this. Would be great to have a food coach.

Well, today I start the next step.

Binging

I have been binging again. *sigh* I am trying not to eat so much, but I am hungry. I think I might b eating out of boredom.

My newest addiction is Costco chocolate chip cookies. We bought the big box of bake at home cookies. I’m been having 2 cookies and a scoop of ice cream every night for the past week. Last night I finally said no to the ice cream and only had one cookie. Reasons for this, the ice cream was causing a lot of gas and some IBS pain and the second cookie wasn’t needed. I was satisfied with just one cookie. Yay! for me.

I did give in and step on the scale this morning. I thought  I would be upset about the number, but I wasn’t. I had really thought I gained a lot of weight but only 2 lbs. I have been feeling bloated, that is why I wanted to weigh in. See if it was weight gain or just bloating. I plan to put the scale away at the end of this month. I’ve decided that September 1st I will start paying more attention to my food. Until then I am still eating and binging on what my body is craving.

I can’t seem to get over my need for cheerios. What is it about them?? Seriously??!! I can eat them all the time and any time. I tried some harvest crunch, but it’s not the same and it gave me gas and a rumbly tummy. Not sure what to do with it now that I am pretty sure I can’t eat it.

For the most part, I think my binges have slowed down. I’m not craving everything anymore. This is a learning process. I did feel some sadness about gaining weight. But I am dealing with those feelings. There is no reason to feel guilt for enjoying my food.

 

Underwear Shopping

I went shopping! It felt amazing! I haven’t enjoyed shopping in years, decades in fact! I went into a lingerie shop, took my time and bought new bras and panties. Expensive but it was worth it. I think I hated shopping for underwear because I always bought cheap stuff and the wrong size.

Seeing the size label was just as bad as the number on the scale. It was society telling me that I am fat. If the label was a Large it was still ok, but today I bought undies in aL, XL and XXL. I was a bit surprised but it sure made a difference on how they fit. I think it also depends on the fabrics and style.

I bought 3 thongs!! Hahaha! I can’t believe I bought them. The last time  wore a thong was in my 20’s. I hated them. So, I decided I will try again. I hope that I will like them. Guess I will find out.

I have come to a decision, I will not be buying cheap underwear ever again. No more walmart packs. Also I am not a one size fits all woman. I have all sorts of sizes. My jeans vary from a size 6 to a 14. Tops are M-XL. Dresses have stayed the same usually 10-12. But, again I am not a number!

I have put my scale away again. Been 4 days now that I haven’t weighed myself. It’s a hard habit to break. But I will break it, damnit!

 

Set Point

I’m learning and trying to find my set point weight. What is it? no idea. I know that I am still over eating on some things. And I have gained weight. I feel bloated. But That is my fault for eating the wrong foods. I’m hoping that I don’t gain more. I don’t want to buy all new clothes.

Today I am starting to watch what I eat. I think I am starting to recognize my hunger cues. Something that I lost years ago. I’m still enjoying my Cheerios… LoL I find that they give me that sweet treat that I want.

I also did a workout. Just simple stuff to see what level I am at. Not going to push it. If I do, I will not enjoy doing it.

Other than that, I am feeling pretty good today. My mood is happy.