Happy New Year 2022!

Wow, another year gone. 2021 went by so fast. I don’t think I actually remember anything special about it. Other than covid. I had an awakening about diets. I got a new tattoo.  And there was snow for Christmas.

I think I made some big changes. The biggest being that I quit dieting. I cleaned up all my social apps. Got rid of all the crazy diet info people. No more before/after pics, no fitness freaks, no keto recipes. I have also stopped weighing myself. Last time was my birthday and I have no plans to do it again unless I need to for doctors and such.

I know I ate a lot of sweets over the holidays, but it was all so yummy. Its the first time in 10 years that I have let myself eat without guilt at Christmas time. It felt great. Yes, my clothes are a bit tight and my belly is bloated, but I dont care. I am happy.

I didn’t make any resolutions. I dont want to feel guilt or let down by not doing what I say. Instead I am going to say that I am planning to start eating healthier meals and I want to do some weight lifting. No, not cardio or anything that makes me sweat and my body hurt. I want to do something that I will enjoy. When I was younger I liked weight lifting. I am going to try it and see if I still enjoy it. If I do, then that will be my exercise plan. I only want to do what I like doing. No more “I need to exercise” now it will be “I want to weight lift or go for a walk”. That is the attitude I am hoping to develop. I have no idea how long it will take. My goal is to get stronger, not fit. Fit is not the reason for what I am doing. I need to get my body stronger so I can do more and be more active.

This is not about weight loss or becoming a fitness freak. This is for me.

6 months

I want to share this with others that are struggling like I have.
I went on my first diet when I was 13. All through my life I have been on the diet roller coaster. Always watching what I eat. Counting calories, fats, carbs. Making sure I drank lots of water. Giving up foods I loved. I did so many fad diets and I did lose weight but I also gained it back time and time again. The last 12 years I have been doing low carb, then I switched to keto about 3 years ago. I have kept my weight off but it has been a struggle to maintain it. Giving up a lot of happiness.
Six months ago I quit keto. I had enough. I was miserable. I thought that maybe I could start calorie counting again. I did some searching online and found a blog that was about intuitive eating. I was curious. I found myself going down the rabbit hole. A week later I crawled out of that hole and was ready to let go of dieting. I was afraid but excited. My first want…Cheerios. Which I binged on for about 2 months every day a bowl or two. And from there I went on to binge on all the foods I hadn’t let myself eat in years. I found out that some of the foods that I wanted and had missed for so many years, didn’t really taste as good as I remembered.
I was so scared that I would gain a ton of weight but I had told myself that it’s ok if I do, that my body will settle down at the weight it needs to be at.
It took some time. Five months to get to a set point with my weight. I had gained 12 lbs in total. I went up a size in my clothing, not a big deal. I am still eating my cheerios whenever I want them.
Anyways, here comes Christmas. This is why I wanted to share. I have always been unhappy when Christmas happens. All the foods that I couldn’t eat. All the diet talk. All the bullshit that goes with it. Well, this year I have been so happy. I love baking and cooking again. I’ve made so many Christmas treats it’s ridiculous! The best part, I don’t feel like I need to eat it all up just because it’s here. I have finally found peace with food. It doesn’t control me anymore. I will never go on a diet again.
It took me 41 years to learn that diets don’t work and that I have an eating disorder and body issues.
I am still learning everyday what my body needs. But everyday I am also learning to love my body and who I am. The road to recovery is worth it.
I have left out a lot of details to keep this short. Otherwise this would be a mile long post.
If you are struggling with your diet, I am happy to talk about what I have been doing. Or you can google intuitive eating. You might end up down the same rabbit hole..LOL
But for now, I will fill my glass with wine, I will enjoy those Christmas cookies and wish the best to all of you in the New Year and for those that are starting a new diet, good luck, I am so glad I dont have to do that anymore!

Jeans

I finally bought new jeans. I did make a mistake and shop with mom. I know I should shop alone when buying clothes. But its ok. This time I did buy what I liked. I usually buy second hand jeans at thrift shops or I will buy really cheap jeans from Old Navy or Costco.

I decided that it was time to buy better quality. I went to Mark’s and tried on a few different brands and landed on Silver jeans. So comfy. Plus they had a 34 inseam. I hate short jeans. I had a hard time saying yes to the jeans but then I saw 40% off and I did it. Still, 75.00 is way more than I normally pay. I try to stay under 30.00 whenever  I can. After that we stopped at Wearhouse One. I found jeans here too. These are a relaxed straight leg and a 35 inseam! I was thrilled. 30% off and I only spent 43.00.

I wore both jeans at home to see if I liked them. The Wearhouse jeans are really nice. I even went for a walk and loved that I didn’t have to pull them up in the back when I had to tie my shoe. They stayed put. I will be keeping them. The Silver jeans were a problem. I was feeling guilty over spending the money.  I wore them around the house and after the inner turmoil I finally pulled off the tags and said I am keeping them. Done.

I wont need new jeans for a long time. Now I just need some nice looking tops. Not just T-shirts. Think I will go to the Mall next week.

Hiccup

I had a slight hiccup on Saturday. I was feeling anxious about my weight. I was worried that I gained again. I felt so bloated and had eaten a bit too much. I fretted for 3 hours and then decided to weigh myself. What a relief! I hadn’t gained any weight and was 1 pound less. I’m glad that my weight is stable.  With Christmas coming I am a little worried about all the yummy foods.

It will be the first time in about 10 years that I will be allowing myself to eat real treats. I plan to bake cookies using real ingredients. No replacements or subbing out my sugars. Just using what the recipes call for. Regular flour, not almond. Real sugar, not splenda or stevia.

Maybe I will share some of my recipes.

 

1 month

It’s been a month since I weighed myself. It’s been difficult. I put the scale in the bedroom closet. That way I don’t see it and don’t step on it. I know I should throw it out, but it was expensive and I know I will want to weigh myself from time to time.

I have got my cheerios eating under control. I have a bowl maybe 3 times a week. Yay for me! And I can have chips in the house and not feel the need to eat the whole bag as a meal.

I have started to make meals and snacks for a week at a time. I’m using up my low carb baking supplies. I don’t plan to ever need them again. I love carbs. I try to have a salad with my dinner. I get those salad mix packs. They are yummy. I keep chocolates and hard candy on the coffee table. I know I can have them when ever I want. My portion sizes are a hit and miss. Still working on that fullness cue.

I think this month I have come a long way. I have even made a huge decision about something that I have been waiting to do for 20 years. I feel I am at the right time in my life to fix a big mistake and erase a part of my past. It will be worth it ☺️.

So Tired

Not sure what it is, but today I am exhausted. Absolutely no energy. I feel drained in every way.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of body pain for the last month. It’s constant pain. When I dont get any relief, it really starts to wear me down. It finally caught up to me today. I am spent.

I’m also not very happy with the fact that I gained 4 more lbs. I dont get it. I thought my weight had settled at 170 but this week I jumped to 174. I’m rethinking my eating plan. As much as I have enjoyed not being on a diet for the last 4 months, I know its time to get real again. *sigh*.  I had hoped that I wouldn’t have to go back on a diet. Looks like I have no choice.

I’m thinking that I will cut some carbs and watch the calories. If I leave out most of the grains I will feel better. I also need to stop eating so much processed foods. It’s just so easy to grab ready made food instead of spending time making and cooking it. I Just dont want to cook anymore. But if I dont, then who will?

I bought a bunch of food to do some meal prep for a week. Its all just sitting there waiting to get used. With so much pain I dont want to stand in the kitchen all day and cook. Damn it!!! I’m so frustrated!

I cant even clean up the condo. The longer I leave the mess the worse it gets and its starting to stink. I want to cry when I think of how much my body will hurt if I clean. I know. I have no choice. I am the only one that can do it. I am seriously thinking of getting a maid to come in once a week.

I’m just having a bad day.

September

Hard to believe it’s already September. This year went by so fast.

I spent this summer eating foods that I haven’t had in years. Some foods I binged and others, well I realized they really didn’t taste as good as I had remembered. Over all, I was happy this summer. Not thinking about food, counting carbs, wondering what to make for every meal, looking up endless recipes. I did none of that. I was free to do whatever I wanted.

Now reality is setting in. *sigh* I weighed in this morning. 170lbs…. I’m not happy with that number. But when I look in the mirror I don’t see the extra weight. I actually see a beautiful body. Yes, sure my clothes are tight. So what! I can go buy big clothes  new clothes.

I know that I need to now start looking at what I am eating. Cut back of a few things. But I also won’t be denying myself the foods that I want.  I did try to exercise, but I really dont want to do it. So I have been going for a walk in the morning. Just a 20 minutes walk a few times a week. I’ll keep doing that but if I don’t feel like it, then I don’t go. I am getting my mom’s treadmill. That way I can walk at home during the winter months.

One plus that I noticed….my sex drive is up. I actually have time to think about sex instead of constantly thinking about food, recipes, cooking and counting carbs. My sex drive was completely gone because I was obsessed about my diet.

very day I am learning new things about myself.

I finally told myself that I am beautiful. It’s a big monsterous step for me.

 

Freak Out

Over the weekend I was feeling  bloated. More so that normal I thought that it would go away. This morning I was feeling better. I wasn’t really thinking and stepped on the scale. I almost had a heart attack. My weight shot up 8 lbs since last week. Freak out! No wonder I was having a problem with my clothes. Everything just seemed to be really tight the last few days. Even my new bra and panties.

I was planning on making changes to my eating at the end of the month but I think I better start today. Honestly, it scared me to see such a high number. It’s been a very long time since I was this heavy. I really don’t like it. I do like that I am able to eat what I want, but I know I need to seriously start cutting back on the binges.

I’m going to plan out my meals for the week and tomorrow will do some prep work. Cook some meats and have a salad ready. I have to cut out the corn, rice, ice cream and cookies. I know those items are not good for me. I get so bloated and gassy. I know we need carbs, but I think I am having way too many. I only want carby foods. I am not craving any vegetables or meats or dairy. I want fries, onion rings, chicken strips, wings, etc. All the fast foods that I can make at home. Somehow I need to change this.

I was thinking that maybe if I was to find healthy premade meals that I can grab and heat. That might help? Not those crappy TV dinners, but the better options. I guess I could make them I just don’t want to cook. I wish I could afford to have someone help me with all of this. Would be great to have a food coach.

Well, today I start the next step.

Set Point

I’m learning and trying to find my set point weight. What is it? no idea. I know that I am still over eating on some things. And I have gained weight. I feel bloated. But That is my fault for eating the wrong foods. I’m hoping that I don’t gain more. I don’t want to buy all new clothes.

Today I am starting to watch what I eat. I think I am starting to recognize my hunger cues. Something that I lost years ago. I’m still enjoying my Cheerios… LoL I find that they give me that sweet treat that I want.

I also did a workout. Just simple stuff to see what level I am at. Not going to push it. If I do, I will not enjoy doing it.

Other than that, I am feeling pretty good today. My mood is happy.

Exercise

This is a tough one for me. I want to exercise but I really don’t enjoy doing it. I never get excited about any of it. I see it as a chore, like cleaning a toilet. Nobody wants to do it, but it needs to be done.

I saw a segment on the News the other day. They were talking about roller skating, its making a comeback. I instantly perked up to listen. My heart fluttered and I felt joy. My first thought “I want to roller skate!” I loved doing it as a kid and right through to my 20’s. Yes it has been a long time. I even bought some new ones about 10 years ago. Sadly I have never used them. I told hubby let’s do it! His answer “I need inline blades and we will have to start slow.” Ok! Not a problem! I know what that means, it won’t happen. Dreams of being a roller queen shattered. Oh well, such is life.

Maybe I can find a group in my area that roller skate? I could place an ad “looking for roller skate buddy”. LoL 🤣 probably be a bunch of guys looking to get laid that answer it.