6 months

I want to share this with others that are struggling like I have.
I went on my first diet when I was 13. All through my life I have been on the diet roller coaster. Always watching what I eat. Counting calories, fats, carbs. Making sure I drank lots of water. Giving up foods I loved. I did so many fad diets and I did lose weight but I also gained it back time and time again. The last 12 years I have been doing low carb, then I switched to keto about 3 years ago. I have kept my weight off but it has been a struggle to maintain it. Giving up a lot of happiness.
Six months ago I quit keto. I had enough. I was miserable. I thought that maybe I could start calorie counting again. I did some searching online and found a blog that was about intuitive eating. I was curious. I found myself going down the rabbit hole. A week later I crawled out of that hole and was ready to let go of dieting. I was afraid but excited. My first want…Cheerios. Which I binged on for about 2 months every day a bowl or two. And from there I went on to binge on all the foods I hadn’t let myself eat in years. I found out that some of the foods that I wanted and had missed for so many years, didn’t really taste as good as I remembered.
I was so scared that I would gain a ton of weight but I had told myself that it’s ok if I do, that my body will settle down at the weight it needs to be at.
It took some time. Five months to get to a set point with my weight. I had gained 12 lbs in total. I went up a size in my clothing, not a big deal. I am still eating my cheerios whenever I want them.
Anyways, here comes Christmas. This is why I wanted to share. I have always been unhappy when Christmas happens. All the foods that I couldn’t eat. All the diet talk. All the bullshit that goes with it. Well, this year I have been so happy. I love baking and cooking again. I’ve made so many Christmas treats it’s ridiculous! The best part, I don’t feel like I need to eat it all up just because it’s here. I have finally found peace with food. It doesn’t control me anymore. I will never go on a diet again.
It took me 41 years to learn that diets don’t work and that I have an eating disorder and body issues.
I am still learning everyday what my body needs. But everyday I am also learning to love my body and who I am. The road to recovery is worth it.
I have left out a lot of details to keep this short. Otherwise this would be a mile long post.
If you are struggling with your diet, I am happy to talk about what I have been doing. Or you can google intuitive eating. You might end up down the same rabbit hole..LOL
But for now, I will fill my glass with wine, I will enjoy those Christmas cookies and wish the best to all of you in the New Year and for those that are starting a new diet, good luck, I am so glad I dont have to do that anymore!

Hiccup

I had a slight hiccup on Saturday. I was feeling anxious about my weight. I was worried that I gained again. I felt so bloated and had eaten a bit too much. I fretted for 3 hours and then decided to weigh myself. What a relief! I hadn’t gained any weight and was 1 pound less. I’m glad that my weight is stable.  With Christmas coming I am a little worried about all the yummy foods.

It will be the first time in about 10 years that I will be allowing myself to eat real treats. I plan to bake cookies using real ingredients. No replacements or subbing out my sugars. Just using what the recipes call for. Regular flour, not almond. Real sugar, not splenda or stevia.

Maybe I will share some of my recipes.

 

1 month

It’s been a month since I weighed myself. It’s been difficult. I put the scale in the bedroom closet. That way I don’t see it and don’t step on it. I know I should throw it out, but it was expensive and I know I will want to weigh myself from time to time.

I have got my cheerios eating under control. I have a bowl maybe 3 times a week. Yay for me! And I can have chips in the house and not feel the need to eat the whole bag as a meal.

I have started to make meals and snacks for a week at a time. I’m using up my low carb baking supplies. I don’t plan to ever need them again. I love carbs. I try to have a salad with my dinner. I get those salad mix packs. They are yummy. I keep chocolates and hard candy on the coffee table. I know I can have them when ever I want. My portion sizes are a hit and miss. Still working on that fullness cue.

I think this month I have come a long way. I have even made a huge decision about something that I have been waiting to do for 20 years. I feel I am at the right time in my life to fix a big mistake and erase a part of my past. It will be worth it ☺️.

Finally , Set point

It’s finally happened. My weight has a set point. I am sitting at 170 lbs. To be honest, I dont like that number. Yes, I know I shouldn’t pay attention to the number. I just cant help it.  am staying off the scale as much as I can. I weigh in every 3 weeks. That’s way better than before when I was doing it daily.

So, lately I have been feeling my anxiety about food. I know that what I am eating isn’t very healthy. Too many fries and chicken strips, cookies and ice cream, plus flavoured popcorn and chips. I’m not binging, but I am having a difficult time saying no to it. The worst is all the wheat. I know I can’t eat wheat all the time but it is in everything! If I could just leave out the wheat I know I would feel better.

I am going to try to plan my meals this week. Well, at least dinners. Breakfast and lunch are more of grab whatever to eat.  I found some simple sheet pan recipes. I have a list of foods I need to buy. Will do that on Tuesday. I need to start eating healthier, not just quick frozen foods. I know hubby enjoys it, but I am in need of real food, veggies and fruits. I am actually missing my low carb meals.

I’ve been trying to get rid of some clutter in the home. I feel that if I get rid of stuff I would feel better. Being clean and organized is something that makes me happy.

Binging

I have been binging again. *sigh* I am trying not to eat so much, but I am hungry. I think I might b eating out of boredom.

My newest addiction is Costco chocolate chip cookies. We bought the big box of bake at home cookies. I’m been having 2 cookies and a scoop of ice cream every night for the past week. Last night I finally said no to the ice cream and only had one cookie. Reasons for this, the ice cream was causing a lot of gas and some IBS pain and the second cookie wasn’t needed. I was satisfied with just one cookie. Yay! for me.

I did give in and step on the scale this morning. I thought  I would be upset about the number, but I wasn’t. I had really thought I gained a lot of weight but only 2 lbs. I have been feeling bloated, that is why I wanted to weigh in. See if it was weight gain or just bloating. I plan to put the scale away at the end of this month. I’ve decided that September 1st I will start paying more attention to my food. Until then I am still eating and binging on what my body is craving.

I can’t seem to get over my need for cheerios. What is it about them?? Seriously??!! I can eat them all the time and any time. I tried some harvest crunch, but it’s not the same and it gave me gas and a rumbly tummy. Not sure what to do with it now that I am pretty sure I can’t eat it.

For the most part, I think my binges have slowed down. I’m not craving everything anymore. This is a learning process. I did feel some sadness about gaining weight. But I am dealing with those feelings. There is no reason to feel guilt for enjoying my food.

 

My Diet History

I went on my first diet when I was 13. I did it because the kids at school made fun of me. Saying I was fat. I was not fat, I was fully developed. I was 5’7, 130 lbs and a size 36C. I was perfect. I just didn’t see it. I worked hard to lose the weight. I lost 15 lbs. Grade 8 and I looked fantastic. Suck it! all you skinny flat chested bitches!

Nothing had changed. Well almost nothing. Instead of being told I was fat, I was now a slut. The girls called me a slut because my body was hot and the boys all loved it. I had done nothing to deserve the title of “slut” After 6 months I said “fuckit, I am gonna own it.” And I did. I tease the boys and made sure that the girls felt like shit and I was stealing their men. Mind you, doing this came with a lot of down sides.

Anyways, that was the start of my long path of diets. I can only remember a few times that I wasn’t on a diet. When I was pregnant, both times I ate whatever I wanted.  On vacations, And when I finally thought I was secure in a relationship. What a crazy thought that was! So 40 years later…

The last 10 years I have sort of maintained my weight doing lowcarb/keto. I gave up all grains, fruits some veggies and all the processed foods. The past year I have been so unhappy with it. I got to a point of eating meat and a veggie nothing else. I actually gained weight. I have been miserable. Then I saw an ad on instagram scroll thru my feed. “Hey what is that?” I took a look and saw the words “intuitive eating”, “What the fuck is that?” I switch over to google and did a search. I was intrigued.

The next few days I did a lot of reading and searching. Then I did some thinking. It took a bit for me to let it all sink in. Then it hit me. I can be free! I don’t have to be on a diet. I can eat what I want, ( within my IBS list). The next day I started. It wasn’t easy. I have been reading labels for 20 years! Counting carbs, fats, calories. I had to let go of that. (I was the food police!)

Fast forward, It’s been a month and I do look at the labels, but not for the counts only the ingredients to make sure there is nothing in it that will give me a flare up. IBS pain is serious stuff. But I want to share something else. Last night, wait, first off I have been eating whatever I want and loving it. But last night was the first time I actually wanted to eat healthy!! I, my body, wanted a salad and veggies with my chicken salad on a low carb bagel and a slice of hubby’s flatbread. HAHAHA! I had absolutely enjoyed my dinner and with no guilt! I even had some pickled beets! Something I avoided because of all the sugar.

And another thing! I woke up Monday morning not thinking about having to start my diet over because I cheated on the weekend!(I had beer and pizza!) No GUILT! I love this! It has freed me from being a diet slave.

Intuitive Eating rules

OK, so here are a list of things to follow or at least try to follow. Nothing is written in stone.

  • Reject the Diet Mentality – this was hard to do, but worth it.
  • Honoring Your Hunger – eat when you want.
  • Make Peace with Food – it’s ok to have that chocolate cake.
  • Challenge the Food Police –  I don’t care about the food police.
  • Discover the Satisfaction Factor – enjoy what you are eating.
  • Feel Your Fullness – To do this, eat slower.
  • Cope with Your Emotions with Kindness – working on it.
  • Respect Your Body – also working on it.
  • Movement—Feel the Difference – started walking again and doing tai-chi
  • Honor Your Health—Gentle Nutrition – slowly learning what my body wants.

Cheerios

I have been dieting, watching my weight since I was 14. I’m 53, you do the math. In that time I have gone from 120 lbs to 200 and everywhere in between. The last 5 years I have been fluctuating between 150 and 165. I’m happy at 150 but it’s so difficult to stay there.

Two weeks ago I gave up my keto eating plan. I do enjoy all the meat and fat, but it’s just not working anymore. Everything was becoming boring and I had hit a dead end with finding new recipes that I enjoyed. I did a bit of research to see what I could change. I do need to watch some of the things I eat. I have IBS and am lactose intolerant and have a wheat allergy.  When looking at eating plans, most of them are low calorie, low fat or low carb. Then I found something about intuitive eating. I started reading about it. The more I read, the more I like the sound of it.

So, 2 weeks in and I am eating cheerios every day. Sometimes it’s breakfast, lunch and desert. hahaha! I know! Crazy right? I bought lactose free 2% milk and have been enjoying my cheerios. Damn tasty!!

I know that this journey is going to take some time. I know I will gain weight. I’m ok with this. I would rather gain a few pounds than to deprive my body of what it wants. Now, just to be clear, I am not going to go eating all those so-called bad foods. But I will indulge from time to time. You bet I will go to the pub and have that burger and beer. Or have a donut or two. It’s all a matter of knowing what the body wants and what it actually needs. I do know that ice cream is a killer for my tummy. I love it but I do not love running to the toilet an hour later. I am also a bread lover, it doesn’t love me. Talk about major bloat, gas and intestinal pain!

Intuitive eating means you listen to your body. Figure out what your body wants, what makes you happy. It will take time. I’m ok with that. I just want to stop dieting, thinking of food 24 hours a day and worrying about how much I weigh.

I am going to continue with this new path and see where it goes.