September

Hard to believe it’s already September. This year went by so fast.

I spent this summer eating foods that I haven’t had in years. Some foods I binged and others, well I realized they really didn’t taste as good as I had remembered. Over all, I was happy this summer. Not thinking about food, counting carbs, wondering what to make for every meal, looking up endless recipes. I did none of that. I was free to do whatever I wanted.

Now reality is setting in. *sigh* I weighed in this morning. 170lbs…. I’m not happy with that number. But when I look in the mirror I don’t see the extra weight. I actually see a beautiful body. Yes, sure my clothes are tight. So what! I can go buy big clothes  new clothes.

I know that I need to now start looking at what I am eating. Cut back of a few things. But I also won’t be denying myself the foods that I want.  I did try to exercise, but I really dont want to do it. So I have been going for a walk in the morning. Just a 20 minutes walk a few times a week. I’ll keep doing that but if I don’t feel like it, then I don’t go. I am getting my mom’s treadmill. That way I can walk at home during the winter months.

One plus that I noticed….my sex drive is up. I actually have time to think about sex instead of constantly thinking about food, recipes, cooking and counting carbs. My sex drive was completely gone because I was obsessed about my diet.

very day I am learning new things about myself.

I finally told myself that I am beautiful. It’s a big monsterous step for me.

 

Freak Out

Over the weekend I was feeling  bloated. More so that normal I thought that it would go away. This morning I was feeling better. I wasn’t really thinking and stepped on the scale. I almost had a heart attack. My weight shot up 8 lbs since last week. Freak out! No wonder I was having a problem with my clothes. Everything just seemed to be really tight the last few days. Even my new bra and panties.

I was planning on making changes to my eating at the end of the month but I think I better start today. Honestly, it scared me to see such a high number. It’s been a very long time since I was this heavy. I really don’t like it. I do like that I am able to eat what I want, but I know I need to seriously start cutting back on the binges.

I’m going to plan out my meals for the week and tomorrow will do some prep work. Cook some meats and have a salad ready. I have to cut out the corn, rice, ice cream and cookies. I know those items are not good for me. I get so bloated and gassy. I know we need carbs, but I think I am having way too many. I only want carby foods. I am not craving any vegetables or meats or dairy. I want fries, onion rings, chicken strips, wings, etc. All the fast foods that I can make at home. Somehow I need to change this.

I was thinking that maybe if I was to find healthy premade meals that I can grab and heat. That might help? Not those crappy TV dinners, but the better options. I guess I could make them I just don’t want to cook. I wish I could afford to have someone help me with all of this. Would be great to have a food coach.

Well, today I start the next step.

Binging

I have been binging again. *sigh* I am trying not to eat so much, but I am hungry. I think I might b eating out of boredom.

My newest addiction is Costco chocolate chip cookies. We bought the big box of bake at home cookies. I’m been having 2 cookies and a scoop of ice cream every night for the past week. Last night I finally said no to the ice cream and only had one cookie. Reasons for this, the ice cream was causing a lot of gas and some IBS pain and the second cookie wasn’t needed. I was satisfied with just one cookie. Yay! for me.

I did give in and step on the scale this morning. I thought  I would be upset about the number, but I wasn’t. I had really thought I gained a lot of weight but only 2 lbs. I have been feeling bloated, that is why I wanted to weigh in. See if it was weight gain or just bloating. I plan to put the scale away at the end of this month. I’ve decided that September 1st I will start paying more attention to my food. Until then I am still eating and binging on what my body is craving.

I can’t seem to get over my need for cheerios. What is it about them?? Seriously??!! I can eat them all the time and any time. I tried some harvest crunch, but it’s not the same and it gave me gas and a rumbly tummy. Not sure what to do with it now that I am pretty sure I can’t eat it.

For the most part, I think my binges have slowed down. I’m not craving everything anymore. This is a learning process. I did feel some sadness about gaining weight. But I am dealing with those feelings. There is no reason to feel guilt for enjoying my food.

 

Headaches

Do you ever wake up in the morning with a banger of a headache? I do. About 4 times a month. Don’t know why it happens. I wonder if it’s cause I didn’t drink enough water the day before? Menopause? Ah, who knows. All I know is that it f**king hurts. I could probably take enough Tylenol to knock out a horse and it still wouldn’t make a difference. Only thing that helps is to go to bed and close my eyes.

While I am dealing with that shit, I am also dizzy. Dizziness is part of my everyday life. I had a neck injury 20 years ago that caused permanent inner ear damage. The doctor called it Vestibulopathy. Look it up if you want to know more. For the most part, I have learned to life with it and accept my fate.

Moving on… I stepped on the scale today. I was pleasantly surprised. I thought for sure I would have gained a bunch of weight from all those tiny cheerios, hahaha. But not so! Overall in the last 2 weeks I put on 3 lbs. I’m ok with that. I have noticed my jeans are a bit tight. No problem! Digging out my fat jeans…LOL

Remember ladies, fat jeans are your friends!